She still felt unsure and confused after so many lifetimes of learning from those around her. Just when she thought she understood, a new mores or value would crop up in her face and tumble her backwards down the slope of understanding like damn Sisyphus and his boulder.
The basics she had down. Eating, working, finding shelter. That she had managed eons ago. It was the interaction with those around her that confounded her senses and made her distrust herself and her beliefs. It was this concept of a romantic relationship that eluded her completely.
She stared wistfully at the trees of the park across from her house and thought of home. She wasn’t sure how long it had been since she’d been there. Wasn’t sure how the passage of time differed here from there. But she still had the longing in the deep, dark spots within her. The longing she was unable to shake no matter how many times she woke up new and crying in this world.
In her world love and sex were not tied together like they were here. There was no mandatory relationship cord that had to be tied politically, legislatively, emotionally, or financially. To the people here it would be like linking…. like linking… oranges and rocket ships. They just didn’t have anything to do with one another. Sometimes their paths crossed but they were neither connected nor dependent. Love in her world was warm, comforting, ever flowing like a river around you. Keeping you safe, keeping you content. It came from all sources. It had no limit of abundance or beginning of source. Sex also flowed just as freely. You found physical comfort from those around you when you were interested in them and they you. There was no shame. Sometimes people settled down into long term partnerships of friendships with sexual lovers on the side. Sometimes people found in their best friends a longing for physical connection. Sometimes people found one other to meet that physical need and settled with them. Sometimes people found they had no physical need.
But here, here on this planet she was tied to for so long, here there were so many layers of complications. Words like monogamous, and homo or hetero sexual, and player or whore, which made her head hurt to try and comprehend. She would sit in the back of the tavern and watch as young couples so unhappy with each other would fight and yell and bare their souls for the world to steal, all over their difference in the idea of commitment.
She had seen this behavior repeat throughout the ages. She had arrived here many, many ideas ago, and had lived a thousand-thousand lifetimes with these people. She grew and learned with each culture and saw the same frustrating patterns emerge each time. And each time she aged and tried to hold on to the knowledge that she gained, but each time she was born the link was broken. She remembered who she was and knew that she was reborn. She had memories of her past lives and still had the ache for home. But the key to human interaction, the answer to the riddle of love and sex and life, that left her at the end of each life. That abandonment forced her to go through it again and again, mis-stepping and blindly fumbling her way through. Hoping to do it right one time. Hoping to not offend or hurt these people around her that she did truly come to love. For she figured her key for going home would be to do this once just right.
So she waited. She waited and she learned. She waited and she failed. But mostly she just kept waiting.
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